Week #5 Listening

Dear Mom,

I learned this week how easy it is to be busy and how hard it is to make time. I say often that I feel like housework is my main responsibility and mothering comes second. I learned this week that it’s a choice I am making. It kind of made me sad to think about all the time I spend cleaning while my kids watch. This last weeks goal taught me more then being a friend to my kids. As I would look them in the eyes to talk to them, I felt the emotion of each child. I could see in their little eyes what was really going on. Whether it was frustration, fear, sadness, etc., when my back is to them while I am at the stove or sink I can’t really see what’s going on. I thought a lot about what they might be feeling when I am communicating to them with busy hands. I am not a phsycologist and I am known to overthink things, but this little exercise brought me to my next two weeks goals, listening and understanding.

Mom, how did you have time to listen to all of us? I can think of specific moments where I felt like you really listened to me. I am more humbled today as I think of all the things the kids need to hear me say. I am trying to remember specific moments where I felt they were heard. It’s sad to me, but I know that this is the real reason I felt prompted to study these qualities that I hope to develop as a mother.

Listening is an action. A visible expression. I can look at the face of the person I am talking to and know exactly what they are hearing from me. Is it good, bad, annoyed, excited, etc. I need to be aware of the expressions I make as a listener. Elder Russell M. Nelson said,

“The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard. Children are naturally eager to share their experiences, which range from triumphs of delight to trials of distress. Are we as eager to listen? If they try to express their anguish, is it possible for us to listen openly to a shocking experience without going into a state of shock ourselves? Can we listen without interrupting and without making snap judgments that slam shut the door of dialogue? It can remain open with the soothing reassurance that we believe in them and understand their feelings. Adults should not pretend an experience did not happen just because they might wish otherwise.”

“Even silence can be misinterpreted. A story was written of “a little boy [who] looked up at his mother and said, ‘Why are you mad at me?’ She answered, ‘I’m not angry at you. What makes you say that?’ ‘Well, your hands are on your hips, and you are not saying anything.’” ⁴

“Parents with teenage youth may find that time for listening is often less convenient but more important when young people feel lonely or troubled. And when they seem to deserve favor least, they may need it most.”

“Wise parents and teachers, listen to learn from children.”

This morning I was in the kitchen pondering my blog post and caught myself so into my thoughts about listening that I didn’t hear Jax say, “Mom, Canon is awake.” I went upstairs and heard Canon crying and immediately said, “Why didn’t anyone come down and tell me Canon was crying?”

Jax responded, “I did. You were doing the dishes and I said it to you like three times.”

I was about to get pretty upset at his excuse. I stopped myself and said, “Sorry, I must not have been listening.”

What a lesson. I have decided to do less instructing and more listening since then. The kids have asked why I am so quiet today.

After I take the time to listen, I now need to respond. That is part of the understanding that  I will focus on next week. One thing at a time. My goal for this week is talk less and listen more.

1. Talk less. It i s already been a hard thing to do, but I have learned so much already that it is very motivating.

2. Actively listen. All eyes on them when the have something to say.

Mom, I could call you on the phone right this very minute and you would answer. I might ramble some frustration or a funny story or whatever and I know you would comment appropriately. I then might get a phone call from Mary saying, “Mom told me about your funny story..” or “Mom says your having a bad day..” It means a lot to me to be heard and to know you are equally concerned or excited about what I had to say. Many times you have answered while at the doctors, grocery store, at your presidency meeting, or in the car. I have always felt that what ever it is I am calling you about is important to you.

I hope I can develop these qualities. I know listening is an important one to have under my belt. It is truly humbling to look at how much the Lord has blessed me with such an amazing mother. I still have 11 months to go. By the end of this I might need to send my kids to you to be raised.

Thank you mom, I love you!

Kathy